Lauren Vino

Pioneer of Bad Behavior

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Teeny Peens

Ok seriously. How bitchy is it that “micropenis” is an actual medical term?

Doctor: I’m sorry sir, you have a micropenis.
Man: And you have a fucked up sense of bedside manner.

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A recent set I did at The Creek and The Cave Live! Thanks for watching! Filmed by Lyra Smith, hosted/produced by Peggy

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7 Butterfaces of the Puppy Bowl

Sunday night marked the 10th annual Puppy Bowl. If being so ugly it’s cute was competitive for canines, this would their Olympics. Failing to grow into their looks before being shot into the public eye by their stage doggie mommies (jk, they’re from shelters), these pups might be babes one day. But for now these ugly ducklings run the risk of growing into uglier ducks. See for yourself. 

1. Though the winner of the Puppy Bowl, Loren won the genetic lottery equivalent of the lottery burning your house down. This Brittany spaniel mix has one oversized eye and the charm of a happy hobo.  

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2. At 12 weeks, Ginger is not a total uggo. Still, she is the first dog in canine history that would look better with eyebrows. 

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3. Danny was entered into the puppy bowl for his own protection, being too ugly for shelters, suburbia, and the wild. A Papillon mix, there are a papillion reasons to be turned off by this guy (not a real number).

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4. You can tell Ullie isn’t a rat because of all the shaking. This Chihuahua dachshund mix fits nicely in your purse and your nightmares. 

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5. Nice ears, asshole. 

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6. Meet Aurora. If you’ve met a Dalmatian, Cruella Deville probably seems like a misunderstood gal. These butterfaced beasts are the worst. Known for being smart, yet anxious and occasionally aggressive, would you want to hang out with a biting Woody Allen that pooped outside? 

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7. At 14 weeks, Bach could grow into his giant head and grow out of looking so much like Little Richard. Maybe it’ll happen some day. Until then, we can love everything about this little guy, but his face. 

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She’s Just Not That Into The Super Bowl

Plenty of ladies love football, but your girl is not one of them. That’s fine. If attraction was only based on shared interests, you’d be dating your dad. It is still in your best interests to include her in the big game, if only to sell it as a fart fueled date night. Prepping her for the Super Bowl is so simple even a guy can do it. I’ve got you covered.

Glossary of Terms

Touchdown: When everyone is yelling and some are happy about it.

Fumble: Dropping the ball, or the relationship equivalent to forgetting an anniversary.

End Zone: Where you score, the home base, or vagina if you prefer.

Snap: She’s heard it as “hike.”

Punt: A kick but no one is holding it. Also, an opportunity to say “samezies.”

Sack: The play dies before it really begins. Footbortion never caught on.

The Basics

Each team is trying to gain yards, amounting to different opportunities to score touchdowns for 6 points, one and two-point conversions post touchdown, and field goals for 3 points. This can be broken down much like the Weight Watchers Point System - the less points you have the more everything sucks.

Teams have four attempts to gain 10 yards, each called a down. They almost always kick at the 4th down, for a field goal or to turn the ball over. Downs are just chances. Like with girlfriends, they say you get four chances when you really get three or less if she’s intercepted.

The Teams

Known for choking in last year’s Super Bowl and getting blown out in big games, the Denver Broncos are like horses – they haven’t been seen the same since John Elway. Despite the affection for felon players, a 2010 first-round draft pick of Tim Tebow will likely ruin their street cred forever.

The Seahawks are seen as a team of rising young stars with a pension for playing dirty. Having never won a Super Bowl, their fan base is excitably tacky. A couple of fans went as far as to name their daughter after the Seahawks cheering section, “Cyndee Leigh 12th Mann.” She’s going to be the coolest stripper ever. This is a match up between the man you’d bring home to your parents who can’t fight, and the guy who’s always looking for one.

The Players

Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has played consistently for years, but has been criticized for big losses. Desirable without landing a big win since 2006, he is the Jennifer Aniston of the NFL. Since divorcing Brad Pitt in 2005, her big win has become a baby. Plus, they are both super old.

Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson is a young star who’s exceeded expectations. Though you haven’t seen his boobs enough, he is following in the footsteps of Lena Dunham. Named the starting QB in his rookie season, his first year gained him as much attention Judd Apatow’s naked protégé. And like Dunham, some question if Wilson has the chops to deliver long term.

With a career of ups and downs, Broncos defensive tackle Terrance Knighton is on the upswing. After recovering from a career threatening eye injury, his game changing sack against the New England Patriots solidified a comeback comparable to Britney Spears. It’s Pot Roast, bitch.

Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman is known for his highly publicized hot head behavior. Much like Kanye West, his bravado is widely commented and criticized while his work is loved. Ultimately it is just the persona people hate, and he is actually brilliant.

The Rules

The golden rule of watching The Super Bowl is that you don’t talk about not understanding The Super Bowl. What makes football great is that you don’t need to know every nuance to enjoy watching it. So have some fun with your little tight end, and touch her butt while saying that. You can’t control if your team wins, but don’t take a loss as a boyfriend.

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Excuses are like assholes, everyone’s got one and the odds are, someone is trying to break into yours. As strong women living in the fast paced world, it’s often we forget to arm ourselves with concrete reasons to get out of things. Don’t worry, Lyra Smith and Lauren Vino have got you covered with “Why Not?” a comedic guide to simply saying “There’s no way I’m doing that.”

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A Dream Lost

Deeply saddened about the passing of Paul Walker, I just learned that his girlfriend was only 23 yrs old. I quelled my crush as a teen by telling myself he was too old for me, and I’m 28. You’re never too young to follow your dreams, I missed my shot. RIP Hottie.